Review of Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Being vulnerable in our personal lives is difficult for many people. Behaving from a place of openness can give us a feeling of emotional exposure, uncertainty and even risk involved in speaking up. As expression of one’s thoughts, fears and desires openly and honestly with a partner, a child or a co-worker can lead to feeling judged many people quell their concerns and simply hope for the best. However unless we have these Crucial Conversations than our romantic lives are not as fulfilling, our familial dynamic can be thrown into imbalances and the business and civic organizations we are a part of can lose their dynamism and decay. In order to illustrate the importance of embracing vulnerability Dr. Brene Brown in her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead shows how it is that vulnerability and shame emerges and operates within our current social topography and how to combat it. After all, allowing this influence to continue to operate unopposed means that we live a life with a dearth of mutual connection, trust and engagement with others. Wholeheartedness, the willingness to act from a place that is open, present and vulnerable, gives us the opportunity to genuinely be embedded in our world, for good or bad.

Dr. Brown’s research first distinguishes between shame and guilt and their relation to vulnerability. Shame is connected to being language (I am a screw-up, I am a liar, I am not worthy) while guilt is related to action language (I have made mistakes, I have lied, I made mistakes). While it may seem a trivial manner of categorizing, the adoption of such logics by the psyche has wide-reaching implications that neuro-psychologists give significant credence to. On a more practical level, use of the former prevents personal self-transformation while the latter is the means by which we can gain control over our personal narrative. This is why if one’s self-talk denigrates and self-destructs an effort must be made to acculturate oneself to a different understanding of themselves and thus their value.

Dr. Brown then shows that vulnerability is not weakness, but a form of courage. It indicates a full engagement with the matter at hand rather than ironic, traumatic or ideological detachment. This can be daunting to embody given the shame-prone culture within which many people live, and further requires that one feel genuinely loveable and worthy of good things, however to not do so is to have our happiness forever dampened due to our unwillingness to engage.

Another point that Dr. Brown pulls from her research is how people often feel ashamed due to hypothesized external judgments that can empty otherwise genuine joy. For example, despite the fact that extensive social science research shows that people are most satisfied with purchases of experiences such as vacations or nights out, due to the social nature of reality people can become fooled into the idea that by spending money on status goods they will be happy. Once comparison compulsion rather than personal values or the words of other people rather than your own principles have control over your emotional life you are immediately enfeebled because of it. Ideas that limit our capacity for wholeheartedness include not only comparisons to other people, but also nostalgia for the past and the general feeling of unworthiness caused by essentialism. People in our lives that tell us we are not good enough, perfect enough, smart enough, “anything” enough as well as saying things such as we’re too unmotivated, not worthy of love, crazy, etc. perform the same function. By limiting these thoughts occurrence and our interaction with those people that claim our being as something we don’t want we are able to gain more freedom for ourselves to be vulnerable and thus happy.

One of the research conclusions that Dr. Brown’s makes that I resonated with is how: “When we pretend that we can avoid vulnerability we engage in behaviors that are often inconsistent with who we want to be. Experiencing vulnerability isn’t a choice – the only choice we have is how we’re going to respond when we are confronted with uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.” (45). While I think the broad implications are clear, bear with me as I pull them out. People crave the feeling of vulnerability as it allows the armoring that we have produced from numerous interactions to be reduced or even disappear. However it is possible that as a result of a previous painful incident, be it work, familial or romantic relationship, we may seek for the sake of our “future self” to be protected from such violations by repressing that softer side of ourselves. Thus when we act in a manner that seeks to deny our vulnerability, we are actually acting counter to what we really wish for. I’ve seen this most often when people have a romantic relationship has ended and they describe themselves as feeling emotionally dead or drained. Their vulnerability, their hopes, their desires are all seemingly dashed and the idea of starting over again seems like a fool’s errand. If we are to be truly happy, at least according to Dr. Brown’s research, than this is exactly what we must do.

Another point that I really enjoyed about Dr. Brown’s book is the need for discomfort at times. People generally, especially those in leadership positions that want to see their employees apply critical thinking, need to normalize the awkwardness that allows for honest exchange. In the crucial conversations that we have with those around us we must expect and be OK with handling anxiety, fear and shame. Allowing their occasional appearance should become normal and the fewer the “forbidden topics” there are is an indication of organizational/relationship strength. Vulnerability is at the heart of the feedback process and it is through this process that growth develops. Lacking it we are armed from the past and stunted, unable to move forward and instead of living life to the lees it’s as if we’re always about to leave. And being caught in such a flight pattern means that we are living with distress and fear.

10 Killer Workout Mixes to Turn Up Your Heartbeat Vol. 1

When lifting heavy, HIITing or even just doing bodyweight exercises, I love to listen to music with fast rhythms to help me keep my flow going. Here’s a couple of hour-long mixes that I like to work out to as it keeps my energy level turned up even when I can start to feel the fatigue kick in.

Diplo & Friends: Clockwork

Major Lazer Workout Mix

Diplo & Friends: RL Grime

RL Grime – Happy Halloween Mixtape

Diplo & Friends: Diplo

DJ Romeo Reyes – TrapStep2.0

Flosstradamus – B⚠nned 2

Bird Peterson – Drankenstein Vol 5

Bird Peterson – Drankenstein Vol 3

David Guetta – DJ Mix #169

Review of "The Five Love Languages"

Five Love Languages in a nutshell
Five Love Languages in a nutshell

The general content of Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts is easily summarized. Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch are the five ways that people are able to perceive the love of their partner. The presence or absence of these acts within the love relationship will determine whether the emotions evoked from the daily exchanges are good or bad. A repeated metaphor that Chapman uses is that of the gasoline tank. Having a full tank means that one is filled from one’s partner expressing love in the manner that they expressed they preferred to their partner while a low tank means there is no expression of love whatsoever or they are expressing it in a manner that is not aligned with their partners wishes. This is a very important distinction not only as it determines the quality of the love relationship, but the entire perspective of each party involved. Writing on the wider effects of this love tank, Chapman writes on page 37:

“When your spouse’s emotional love tank is full and he feels secure in your love, the whole world looks bright and your spouse will move out to reach his highest potential in life. But when the love tank is empty and he feels used but not loved, the whole world looks dark and he will likely never reach his potential for good in the world.”

As such a powerful determinant of our perception of reality, Chapman strongly encourages his readers to become more fluent in their understanding of their own desires and the desires of their partner so as to increase their capacity for and ease in obtaining peace of mind and happiness. If psychologist William James is correct is stating that the deepest human need is that for appreciation – these are the means of expressing that appreciation.

In order to better do this Chapman distinguishes between being “in love”, which he says is more aptly classified as limerence, and loving someone. The feeling of being “in love” is a more or less temporary madness that other research has likened to a period of intense intoxication due to the mind-body’s ready release of various pleasurable neurotransmitters. Being “in love” is a dangerous state of being as it is one of almost total fixation that will cause someone to pay no heed to work, school other aspects of life. Research tell us that this feeling, however, lasts at most a mere two years and it is only with the practice of these interpersonal exchanges that it can grow to a love that it more mature and rewarding as it is predicated on choice.

Chapman’s valorization of choice moves beyond this into his description of the first love language, Words of Affirmation. This is not just to give encouragement, but to also bring attention to the manner in which we comprehend the relationship and share that understanding with our partner. For instance, by bringing in the option of choice in exchanges, ie. “Could you please..?” instead of demands “I want you to…” a sense of autonomy is emphasized that allows for agency to develop. He further emphasizes the power of words as it relates to the role of forgiveness. He states that we can either chose to be Judges, and thus gradually disrupt and destroy the relationship, or Forgivers. Once Judgment is kept a permanent distance is created. Emphasizing the power of it’s opposite he states: “The best thing we can do with the failures of the past is to let them be history… Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense up against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love” (47).

Chapman is clear that there is often more than one love language present spoken by our partner and that we must be open to listening to what it is that they say they want rather than expressing to them what it is that we want or what it is that we have learned that we are supposed to do based upon our familiar upbringing or cultural messages. Failing to be aware of them is, in essence, to fail the relationship as true love liberates and lacking such a mutually beneficial dynamic then it does not meet this standard.

Throughout the book, Chapman provides anecdotes based upon his counseling practice on how people’s increased ability to read their partner’s needs for Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch and giving it to them radically changed their relationship. The application of them, as the stories included by Chapman shows, is not always easy as a partner may be running on an empty tank and thus slow to register improvement – but over a long enough period the committed person is always able to accomplish their goal. Minor changes in inter-personal exchange can result in major changes for both the individuals and the relationship. There are plenty of short thought experiments in the form of questions directed at the reader to help them realize how it is to better obtain this knowledge about one’s relationship and they are in a format that does not break up the pacing of the book. For these and many other reasons I can foresee myself heartily recommending this book in my private practice to couples in search of counseling.

Prayer as a Practice of Spiritual Alchemy: Why and How to Create Moments of Ritual Mindfulness

The saying of prayers before the performance of a certain rites is a recurrent practice through varied religions, be it before the taking an animal’s life, before a meal, when giving dues to the dead, the dawn of the day, the birth of a child, or saying blessings before the beginning of a season. The context is myriad but the form is the same: words and actions are tied together in aspiration for a specific sentiments actualization.

While the rationale for some such religious actions may be based on a conceived need to appease or please a deity, it’s important that those that are more scientifically minded not conceive of themselves as superior without seeing the deeper truth underlying such acts of “magic”. Thinking responsibility, and thus examining and testing our presuppositions, we learn that the vocalizer and the experiencer of those vibrations are in fact actively practicing manufacturing upon the plasticity that is their mind and body.

In a manner similar to that of a camera, that upon which our consciousness reflects gives form to our thoughts. This, combined with other elements, determines how it is that our psyche is constructed and thus how we view the world. Just as changing one’s environment, purposive social interaction for positive transformation and actively re-educating oneself are three manners in which to accelerate positive self-transformation cognitively, so too is prayer.

Establishing certain times during the day to remind ourselves of the manifold possibilities held within our True Nature’s potency can be a powerful practice on the path towards self-liberation. Doing so during the many moments in which we normally take care of our body – such as when we feed it or just before we go to sleep – or act in a ritualistic manner are especially powerful due to their daily recurrence.

One such daily action ripe for prayer is bathing or showering. When doing so we are literally removing secretions and things that have attached to us that we do not want: a fittingly poetic moment to own with intention if ever there was one! An example of a short prayer that one could repeat in such a situation is as follows:

As I wash my body I also clean my spirit and mind
And return to the state of essence purified
The best of the day stays while the rest leaves
Exiting through the trunk and extremities

Writing your own prayers based upon your self-proclaimed values is a wonderfully creative method of expanding your spiritual practice. While it need not conform to any structure or stricture other than that which you think is appropriate, making some reference to the acts that you are performing at the moment will increase it’s resonance.

If you want, following this opening prayer, you can also allow yourself to alight upon specific examples of non-alignment with your values you perceived or experienced through the day. After you’ve noticed their emergence, you should forgive yourself for the false thinking that allowed it to emerge and restate your intentions and commitment to being clear of heart and mind in your future actions.

The Two Choices our False Feelings of Separation Presents: Growth or Decline

“No llores porque ya se terminó… sonríe, porque sucedió.”

– Gabriel García Márquez

Moments of separation between people, be it the death of a loved one, a close friend moving away physically or due to new life choices they’re making as well as the breaking up of a romantic relationship can have a have a powerful impact on the way in which we view ourselves and the world. The context of the events leading up to such circumstances will further inform how we treat the event. An unforeseen death may leave one feeling that they live in an arbitrary, meaningless world; a close friend moving away due to new life choices or opportunities may make one feel slighted or that there is now something missing in a milieu once seen as abundant, while a break-up can lead one to feel rejection or resentment.

The quote by Gabriel García Márquez that opens this blog is not meant to indicate that we should not feel these losses by suppressing our emotions. Doing so would only hold and perpetuate anger, despair, doubt, resentment, jealousy or feelings of loss within and so keep us from being present. However much we feel this, we must also not fixate upon such feelings.

It is a product of delusional thinking that any relationship between people is permanent. Each individual has their own needs and desires that can and oftentimes do come into conflict with others. No matter the lofty expressions of commitment or the amount of time spent together building a relationship, such relationships, just like our mortal life spans, will always come to an end on a long enough timeline.

At these moments of separation we are presented with two choices. We can continue to hold on to those feelings based on fear that evoke such internal commands such as “Never trust anyone again”, “Don’t get close to anyone”, or “The actions in my life have no meaning” or we can see the experience as one from which we can instead grow through forgiveness of ourselves and others.

For instance, an unexpected death can inspire us to apply more energy and vitality to the areas of our life with which we feel passion, for we too are mortal and can leave this coil without a moment’s notice. The moving away of a confidant or comrade can be recognized as prods to meet someone or several new people that can perhaps expand your personality in new ways that may bring you even greater joy and happiness. Separation with a romantic companion can be a point at which to examine aspects of the self that had informed such a decision so that future romances need not repeat similar travails.

We all have incredible personal strength and power that at times we seem afraid to exercise. Once we recognize these truths of the human condition, we no longer need to hold onto those lower emotional sentiments that inform our personality to our detriment. While it may be hard to recall at the moment, we must always view these instances as opportunities from which to learn and grow. To not do so we condemn ourselves to unlearn our truly resilient nature free that is free of only the fetters that we would place upon ourselves.

Notes on Motivational Interviewing CEU

On the invitation of the owner of Peace of Mind Counseling, a fellow student at FICAM, I went to the impeccably planned, informative, well attended and deliciously catered CEU session held at Casa Tequila Mexican Cuisine on June 20th. While there I networked with other mental health professionals and listened to Mary T. Curtis speak about Motivational Interviewing. While the communication principles found in her presentation was primarily for those in the field of mental health counselors, they are also applicable to a number of other formalized relationships. Translated to the discourse of effective management, for instance, it’s a form of interaction and communication effective in instilling a convivial relationship that encourages long-term partnership.
Mary first had us explore some of the intrinsic and extrinsic motivations for personal changes that we’d made in the past. By exploring the risks we perceived we were making by committing to change, examining the struggles that we had with it, and identifying the various resource used in order to get there she pointed out how it was the job of counselors to be know these tracks and patterns as they relate to change and be able to assist clients. Mary then outlined out the cycle of self-transformative change. The cycle – precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action and maintenance – was not made from air but emerged from the research of Dr.’s Prochaska and DiClemente.
Based upon the research contained therein, Curtis presented five distinct communication principles to follow in order to master the art of motivational interviewing.

1. Express sympathy.
2. Support self-sufficiency.
3. Create discrepancy in expressed intentions and actions.
4. Avoid arguments.
5. Roll with resistance.

Each of the five principles could easily make up a long essay. Summarized into a few sentences, however, they could be expanded as follows. First, have all of your attention and capabilities be devoted to the person across from you in such a manner that it’s clear your intent to assist them. Relate to their struggle to get better, but do not feel bad for them over the poor decisions they’ve made. Create and maintain rapport or the rest isn’t possible. Secondly, encourage efforts through praise when appropriate and make sure to provide directions in the form of leading questions as much as possible. This oblique form of direction will assist the transformation of their thought processes. Thirdly, through the aforementioned questioning process, don’t just inquire on actions but underlying motivations. Doing so will lead to the most significant changes. Fourth, one of the reasons which arguments occur is from the breaking of affinity. If and when this occurs use linguistic Aikido so that their resistance transforms into transference. The fifth principle refers to the fact that until the new habits are incorporated into the daily life there will exist a split of sorts in the interviewee’s personality and the better angels of their nature should be appealed to. Using their own spoken phrases as much as possible to restate the goals they’ve already voiced and their own assessments is the optimal way to interview them.

As is clear from the above, motivational interviewing is not merely an other-directed practice but one that requires a great deal of self-confidence to be able to accomplish the above practices without coming off as wooden or scripted. Embodying qualities of empathy, compassion, collaboration, commitment, willingness and acceptance are also key MI components. One must do this as expressing too much upset or disappointment over a violation of a stated goal breaks rapport. Instead help them self-search as to the causes to their failure and imagine how they could go act next time if placed in a similar situation. One’s role in the motivational interviewing process is supposed to engender feelings of Autonomy, Collaboration and Evocation. Encouraging ACE to develop in them means that they will learn to better self-discipline.

It is our ability to propel and direct ourselves into the future that determines where we go in life. Since counselors and managers are navigating the future together on a bark of sorts with their clients or employees, those leading must use OARS as one of their strategies for direction. OARS is an guiding strategy for meetings between clients or employees that encourages the growth of skills rather mere directive comments which engenders agency dependency. OARS consists of Open-ended Questions, Affirmations, Reflections and Summaries. These are the linguistic forms used to encourage ACE. Some examples of these are as follows:

Open Ended Questions

“What do you think are the main goals that we need to accomplish today?”
“What are your motivations for the cessation of your habit of __________?”
“What is preventing you for accomplishing your goals right now?”
“How would you rate your level of withitness today? Is there something that you can do to quickly raise your state of presence?”

Affirmations

“You should be proud of the fact that just last week it took you ___ amount of time and that now you can do it in less.”

“It looks to me by the way you are holding yourself in that you’re in a good mood. Did the _____ thing I suggested to do when face with _____ help?”

“Based upon the story you shared with me I can really see your commitment to _____.”

“You are doing excellent work.”

“You ability to take directions has markedly increased!”

Reflections

“Do you realize that your continuing to do _______ is in opposition to your statement that you want to stop?

“Do you realize that your continuing to do _______ is in opposition to the previous directions I gave you?

“Were you really doing your best on this project, or were you distracted by something?”

“When you saw that your abilities were not sufficient to complete the task, why didn’t you ask _______ or myself for assistance?”

Summaries

“It seems to me from what you’re saying is that the reason you began doing _________, which you no longer want to do, is because of __________. If you were to stick with instead of shirking the protocols that I gave you, your repetition compulsion would no longer be a problem. What needs to happen to get you to do such?”

“In what you shared with me you presented a very good manner for dealing with ________ that we’ve never discussed before. I think that you’re able to approach those triggers with novel solutions really indicates how committed you are to making that change.”

“Now everyone, before we close this gathering let’s just run down the tasks. A is doing this, B is doing this, C is doing this, and I am doing this. Any questions, you know where I’ll be!”

“Today we covered a lot of ground and I’m certain that once you leave our shared space you will maintain the strength you’ve shown here.”

 

These, which when combined can be said to be the concretization of Desire, Ability, Reason, and Need for change will lead to that change when a plan is set in place. To learn more, you can also download the accompanying Powerpoint here.

What's in a Name?: Diagnosis, Attachment, Identification and the Limits of Personal Adaptation

Diagnosis is the name of the method with which applied humanist sciences use to locate the cause of illness and dis-ease. Not all formulae of diagnosis and nosology, however, are the same as each is based upon a number of individual, biological, social, etc. presuppositions. Positivistic practitioners such as psychiatrists would me more likely to use the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders while more dialectically oriented psychotherapist practitioners would likely use the Psychodynamic Diagnostic Manual. While sometimes the goals these two forms of therapeutic intervention have can be very similar, ie. the removal of behaviors that somehow inhibit the maximum functioning of the individual, the means with which they achieve such results can be quite different. The former focuses on the disbursement of prescription medications that is in humankind’s long history relatively new, while the latter seeks to process traumas and develop psychic resources to assist them live more powerfully in the present. The recognition of this divide is not new, but was recognized in a slightly different context long ago by German proto-psychologist Freidrich Nietzsche. He emphatically stated that the notion of Being propounded by the positivists was a fiction and that the true foundation of modern humanistic knowledge rested upon a philosophy of Becoming.

If thus far the point I’m making seems rather abstract, let me give some examples. In The Mindbody Prescription: Healing the Body, Healing the Pain by Dr. John Sarno the author, a renowned health-care practitioner and professor of medicine at NYU describes how many of the purported problems with back pain that people have emerge not from genetic abnormalities or physical traumas but are psychological in origin. Layman believe the doctors as they are invested with expert authority on the physical functioning of the body, even though they may be fully away of the mindbody connection. As Dr. Sarno has studied both subjects and practiced with thousands of patients, he is able to state without reservation that stress, psychic tension and emotional turmoil harden into the body via ischemia and Tension Mytosis Syndrome (TMS) and lead to the variety of illnesses various called slipped disks, joint pains, generalized back pain and other problems. The cure, according to Dr. Sarno, is first to repudiate the structural diagnosis provided by the doctors and then to begin a process of self-interrogation in order to find the emotional cause and means of moving the stuck mindbody energy. Such a therapeutic course is helpful to the body’s attempts at signaling the mind that something is wrong and need not be limited to physical considerations. Indeed, intra- and inter-personal problems as well can benefit from a similar process of diagnosis, de-attachment from prevalent (usually positivistic) prognostications and re-identification.

Let me give an example of this particular type of manifestation of the philosophy of Being based upon my personal experiences. A popular explanation within the Miami metropolitan region for certain types of behavior is “I’m Latin” or “I’m Ecuadorian, Venezuelan, Colombian, Cuban, etc.” Here we again see this essentialized notion of Being, in this case national or racial culture, being conceptualized as able to subvert and in fact control the free will of the individual. What such an explanatory feature to personal qualities does is essentially obfuscate the historical realities that conditioned the passing down of certain cultural mores, values, and beliefs and instead embeds it as an un-moving fixture within the personality. It is an exercise in circular reasoning: I am this way because I was born into this way of being. The fact that someone may not have been born in that country, that someone may have left a certain foreign milieu at a young age, that someone may upon sustained reflection actually have different values based upon their own experiences than that of the caretakers transmitting them, etc. are all suppressed. This suppression is then hidden from the conscious mind and when addressed by others can lead to conflict due to the conscious mind’s simultaneous need to protect it’s choices as well as it’s repressed recognition that all such justifications are fiction.

Finally, it is important to recognize that this method of self-diagnosis is not limited specifically to designations of national origin but also to general, personally descriptive terms such as victim, perpetrator or sinner as well as situation wherein instances of a certain type of behavior get generalized, ie a person is a depressive, an addict, an abuser, etc. The attributions of some of these terms can be empowering, but it always depends upon the context so it is important to recognize whether or not they actually functioning for that purpose. At most, a temporary attachment to them based upon the present circumstances is advisable for, as the above shows, the claiming of essential quality of Being has the effect of preventing adaptation to the exigencies of new situations which can cause inter- and intra-personal conflict. By facing the fiction of our Selves, embracing the past as something which we have more control than we would normally like to give it, re-forming ourselves based upon a deeper and more profound understanding of the human will and finally adjusting and adapting ourselves to our actual heart-felt wishes we are able to gain greater control over our lives.

Broward College Course Listings

For those interested in taking one of the upcoming POS 2112 – State and Local Government courses I’m teaching at Broward College, my Summer section is 482610 and my Fall sections are 498103, 498106, 498440, 498441.