Psychology – Page 3 – Ariel Sheen

Notes from the Global Leadership Summit

So this weekend I attended the Global Leadership Summit at Palm Beach Community Church. This event brings together a wide range of noted business, church, government and social leaders at the Willow Creek theatre and is then broadcast simultaneously throughout the globe to different viewing locations.

On Friday Susan Cain and Patrick Lencioni spoke and both of them presented what I would consider to be variations of the speeches that gave at the World Leadership Conference. Bryan Loritts, however, was new to me and I found his speech on instigating change through personal sacrifice to be a highly thoughtful meditation on the manner in which the minor alteration of certain habits and beliefs can bring about large changes in our lives. He gave examples of how it is that our being accustomed to be in a decision making position can sometimes lead us to overestimate our perspective at the expense of others. Loritts framed this within an explicitly Christian context. He said that our attachments to aspects of our perspective must be abandoned to better exemplify our beliefs in the eternal oneness of humanity. A series of general prohibitions, which reminded me of the better aspects of Catholicism, followed with illustrations how such attachments can bring about poor dynamics in an organization. The examples that he gave were all related to the modern workplace and made me think about a conversation I recently had with Steve DeMoss, founder of Word in Deed ministries.

Over dinner he’d described the need for the values educations found in missionary work as often times in the places of dire poverty that he did mission work in Africa the moral reasoning which was prevalent was so short-term that workers would, for example, sooner steal goods to pawn for an equivalent of a months pay made in a day rather than work daily for weekly wages. Getting back on track, this long time, eternal orientation was one not devoid of attachments but aware of their operation on the spirit – a compelling imperative for the self to live by indeed! Carly Fiorina’s perspective on the manner in which it is important to use multiple markers for assessing performance and its relationship to continuous, successful innovation were some of the primary characteristics of a successful leader. Her role as the president of HP certainly gives her message an import based not solely on research but also on practical application.

On Saturday I especially liked the first featured presenter, Joseph Grenney, author of the book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High. Crucial conversations are those defined by their having high stakes, opposing opinions and strong emotions. Indeed the health of an organization is the degree to which certain subjects are wholly taboo or limited in such a scope that it prevents real positive adaptation. Grenney pointed out how often when people are forced to engage in such crucial conversations they often fare poorly. This type of aversion should be avoided, however, as people that are unable to talk it out will often act it out and because it can generally negatively affect the behavior at the workplace. Crucial conversation need not to be see too much as a contest amongst conflicting positions, but a trust-building accelerant to intimacy and better organizational efficiency. To make sure that the conversations are candid, organizations need to make sure that people are safe. The ingredients of safety are the recognition of mutual purpose, mutual respect and mutual movement forward. By recalling this alignment of current intentions, value for each other and agreement on how things will go into the future organizations are able to set up a smooth pattern for how interactions will be in the future.

I was less impressed with Erica Ariel Fox, author of Winning from Within: A Breakthrough Method for Leading, Living, and Lasting Change. The speech seemed to drag with unfunny jokes and anecdotes that were too long for the point that they were trying to convey. She did, however, speak of two things that I found rewarding. The first of these are performance gaps, or the space between people’s potential and their actual behavior and how it was the quality of a great leader to be able to identify them and work with people to close them. What precisely this form of measurement is she didn’t go into great detail about, but as someone that’s been lately learning about life coaching and psychoanalysis for personal and professional growth and development it didn’t bother me that much. The second point that she made is how biochemically our brains are more like an orchestra than a soloist. According to her we have four major internal forces/spirits; The Dreamer, The Thinker, The Lover and The Warrior. We also have a number of minor roles, but she didn’t delve into this instead talking about the four major roles. The Dreamer is the creator of possibilities that sets strategic vision, the Thinker analyses data and clarifies perspective, the Lover manages relationships and feels emotions while the Warrior catalyzes performance, takes action, speaks truth and helps reach goals. Worth noting is how I see a certain similarity to the work of Carolynn Myss, and other Eastern inspired psychologists such as C. G. Jung, that also sees a benefit in fixation upon certain recurrent characters found in an archetypal form. This is worth talking about more, but not here and now.

Later came Don Flow, who also kind of ambled his way through his speech. He seemed to me to be exhibiting a loving swagger that was perhaps fitting for those that knew him but didn’t particularly translate well for me. That said, I did really like his thoughts on love and serving. Living love means that we are called to be with people while to serve mean to display Self-Respect, Earn Trust, Reach for Perfection, Value input and Energize others. To me this is a great little acronym and mnemonic device in order to recall those components. All in all I had a great time there, am grateful that I was able to attend and look forward to being in situations where I can put this knowledge to practice.

Review of Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Being vulnerable in our personal lives is difficult for many people. Behaving from a place of openness can give us a feeling of emotional exposure, uncertainty and even risk involved in speaking up. As expression of one’s thoughts, fears and desires openly and honestly with a partner, a child or a co-worker can lead to feeling judged many people quell their concerns and simply hope for the best. However unless we have these Crucial Conversations than our romantic lives are not as fulfilling, our familial dynamic can be thrown into imbalances and the business and civic organizations we are a part of can lose their dynamism and decay. In order to illustrate the importance of embracing vulnerability Dr. Brene Brown in her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead shows how it is that vulnerability and shame emerges and operates within our current social topography and how to combat it. After all, allowing this influence to continue to operate unopposed means that we live a life with a dearth of mutual connection, trust and engagement with others. Wholeheartedness, the willingness to act from a place that is open, present and vulnerable, gives us the opportunity to genuinely be embedded in our world, for good or bad.

Dr. Brown’s research first distinguishes between shame and guilt and their relation to vulnerability. Shame is connected to being language (I am a screw-up, I am a liar, I am not worthy) while guilt is related to action language (I have made mistakes, I have lied, I made mistakes). While it may seem a trivial manner of categorizing, the adoption of such logics by the psyche has wide-reaching implications that neuro-psychologists give significant credence to. On a more practical level, use of the former prevents personal self-transformation while the latter is the means by which we can gain control over our personal narrative. This is why if one’s self-talk denigrates and self-destructs an effort must be made to acculturate oneself to a different understanding of themselves and thus their value.

Dr. Brown then shows that vulnerability is not weakness, but a form of courage. It indicates a full engagement with the matter at hand rather than ironic, traumatic or ideological detachment. This can be daunting to embody given the shame-prone culture within which many people live, and further requires that one feel genuinely loveable and worthy of good things, however to not do so is to have our happiness forever dampened due to our unwillingness to engage.

Another point that Dr. Brown pulls from her research is how people often feel ashamed due to hypothesized external judgments that can empty otherwise genuine joy. For example, despite the fact that extensive social science research shows that people are most satisfied with purchases of experiences such as vacations or nights out, due to the social nature of reality people can become fooled into the idea that by spending money on status goods they will be happy. Once comparison compulsion rather than personal values or the words of other people rather than your own principles have control over your emotional life you are immediately enfeebled because of it. Ideas that limit our capacity for wholeheartedness include not only comparisons to other people, but also nostalgia for the past and the general feeling of unworthiness caused by essentialism. People in our lives that tell us we are not good enough, perfect enough, smart enough, “anything” enough as well as saying things such as we’re too unmotivated, not worthy of love, crazy, etc. perform the same function. By limiting these thoughts occurrence and our interaction with those people that claim our being as something we don’t want we are able to gain more freedom for ourselves to be vulnerable and thus happy.

One of the research conclusions that Dr. Brown’s makes that I resonated with is how: “When we pretend that we can avoid vulnerability we engage in behaviors that are often inconsistent with who we want to be. Experiencing vulnerability isn’t a choice – the only choice we have is how we’re going to respond when we are confronted with uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.” (45). While I think the broad implications are clear, bear with me as I pull them out. People crave the feeling of vulnerability as it allows the armoring that we have produced from numerous interactions to be reduced or even disappear. However it is possible that as a result of a previous painful incident, be it work, familial or romantic relationship, we may seek for the sake of our “future self” to be protected from such violations by repressing that softer side of ourselves. Thus when we act in a manner that seeks to deny our vulnerability, we are actually acting counter to what we really wish for. I’ve seen this most often when people have a romantic relationship has ended and they describe themselves as feeling emotionally dead or drained. Their vulnerability, their hopes, their desires are all seemingly dashed and the idea of starting over again seems like a fool’s errand. If we are to be truly happy, at least according to Dr. Brown’s research, than this is exactly what we must do.

Another point that I really enjoyed about Dr. Brown’s book is the need for discomfort at times. People generally, especially those in leadership positions that want to see their employees apply critical thinking, need to normalize the awkwardness that allows for honest exchange. In the crucial conversations that we have with those around us we must expect and be OK with handling anxiety, fear and shame. Allowing their occasional appearance should become normal and the fewer the “forbidden topics” there are is an indication of organizational/relationship strength. Vulnerability is at the heart of the feedback process and it is through this process that growth develops. Lacking it we are armed from the past and stunted, unable to move forward and instead of living life to the lees it’s as if we’re always about to leave. And being caught in such a flight pattern means that we are living with distress and fear.

Review of "The Five Love Languages"

The general content of Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts is easily summarized. Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch are the five ways that people are able to perceive the love of their partner. The presence or absence of these acts within the love relationship will determine whether the emotions evoked from the daily exchanges are good or bad. A repeated metaphor that Chapman uses is that of the gasoline tank. Having a full tank means that one is filled from one’s partner expressing love in the manner that they expressed they preferred to their partner while a low tank means there is no expression of love whatsoever or they are expressing it in a manner that is not aligned with their partners wishes. This is a very important distinction not only as it determines the quality of the love relationship, but the entire perspective of each party involved. Writing on the wider effects of this love tank, Chapman writes on page 37:

“When your spouse’s emotional love tank is full and he feels secure in your love, the whole world looks bright and your spouse will move out to reach his highest potential in life. But when the love tank is empty and he feels used but not loved, the whole world looks dark and he will likely never reach his potential for good in the world.”

As such a powerful determinant of our perception of reality, Chapman strongly encourages his readers to become more fluent in their understanding of their own desires and the desires of their partner so as to increase their capacity for and ease in obtaining peace of mind and happiness. If psychologist William James is correct is stating that the deepest human need is that for appreciation – these are the means of expressing that appreciation.

In order to better do this Chapman distinguishes between being “in love”, which he says is more aptly classified as limerence, and loving someone. The feeling of being “in love” is a more or less temporary madness that other research has likened to a period of intense intoxication due to the mind-body’s ready release of various pleasurable neurotransmitters. Being “in love” is a dangerous state of being as it is one of almost total fixation that will cause someone to pay no heed to work, school other aspects of life. Research tell us that this feeling, however, lasts at most a mere two years and it is only with the practice of these interpersonal exchanges that it can grow to a love that it more mature and rewarding as it is predicated on choice.

Chapman’s valorization of choice moves beyond this into his description of the first love language, Words of Affirmation. This is not just to give encouragement, but to also bring attention to the manner in which we comprehend the relationship and share that understanding with our partner. For instance, by bringing in the option of choice in exchanges, ie. “Could you please..?” instead of demands “I want you to…” a sense of autonomy is emphasized that allows for agency to develop. He further emphasizes the power of words as it relates to the role of forgiveness. He states that we can either chose to be Judges, and thus gradually disrupt and destroy the relationship, or Forgivers. Once Judgment is kept a permanent distance is created. Emphasizing the power of it’s opposite he states: “The best thing we can do with the failures of the past is to let them be history… Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense up against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love” (47).

Chapman is clear that there is often more than one love language present spoken by our partner and that we must be open to listening to what it is that they say they want rather than expressing to them what it is that we want or what it is that we have learned that we are supposed to do based upon our familiar upbringing or cultural messages. Failing to be aware of them is, in essence, to fail the relationship as true love liberates and lacking such a mutually beneficial dynamic then it does not meet this standard.

Throughout the book, Chapman provides anecdotes based upon his counseling practice on how people’s increased ability to read their partner’s needs for Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch and giving it to them radically changed their relationship. The application of them, as the stories included by Chapman shows, is not always easy as a partner may be running on an empty tank and thus slow to register improvement – but over a long enough period the committed person is always able to accomplish their goal. Minor changes in inter-personal exchange can result in major changes for both the individuals and the relationship. There are plenty of short thought experiments in the form of questions directed at the reader to help them realize how it is to better obtain this knowledge about one’s relationship and they are in a format that does not break up the pacing of the book. For these and many other reasons I can foresee myself heartily recommending this book in my private practice to couples in search of counseling.

Prayer as a Practice of Spiritual Alchemy: Why and How to Create Moments of Ritual Mindfulness

The saying of prayers before the performance of a certain rites is a recurrent practice through varied religions, be it before the taking an animal’s life, before a meal, when giving dues to the dead, the dawn of the day, the birth of a child, or saying blessings before the beginning of a season. The context is myriad but the form is the same: words and actions are tied together in aspiration for a specific sentiments actualization.

While the rationale for some such religious actions may be based on a conceived need to appease or please a deity, it’s important that those that are more scientifically minded not conceive of themselves as superior without seeing the deeper truth underlying such acts of “magic”. Thinking responsibility, and thus examining and testing our presuppositions, we learn that the vocalizer and the experiencer of those vibrations are in fact actively practicing manufacturing upon the plasticity that is their mind and body.

In a manner similar to that of a camera, that upon which our consciousness reflects gives form to our thoughts. This, combined with other elements, determines how it is that our psyche is constructed and thus how we view the world. Just as changing one’s environment, purposive social interaction for positive transformation and actively re-educating oneself are three manners in which to accelerate positive self-transformation cognitively, so too is prayer.

Establishing certain times during the day to remind ourselves of the manifold possibilities held within our True Nature’s potency can be a powerful practice on the path towards self-liberation. Doing so during the many moments in which we normally take care of our body – such as when we feed it or just before we go to sleep – or act in a ritualistic manner are especially powerful due to their daily recurrence.

One such daily action ripe for prayer is bathing or showering. When doing so we are literally removing secretions and things that have attached to us that we do not want: a fittingly poetic moment to own with intention if ever there was one! An example of a short prayer that one could repeat in such a situation is as follows:

As I wash my body I also clean my spirit and mind
And return to the state of essence purified
The best of the day stays while the rest leaves
Exiting through the trunk and extremities

Writing your own prayers based upon your self-proclaimed values is a wonderfully creative method of expanding your spiritual practice. While it need not conform to any structure or stricture other than that which you think is appropriate, making some reference to the acts that you are performing at the moment will increase it’s resonance.

If you want, following this opening prayer, you can also allow yourself to alight upon specific examples of non-alignment with your values you perceived or experienced through the day. After you’ve noticed their emergence, you should forgive yourself for the false thinking that allowed it to emerge and restate your intentions and commitment to being clear of heart and mind in your future actions.

The Two Choices our False Feelings of Separation Presents: Growth or Decline

“No llores porque ya se terminó… sonríe, porque sucedió.”

– Gabriel García Márquez

Moments of separation between people, be it the death of a loved one, a close friend moving away physically or due to new life choices they’re making as well as the breaking up of a romantic relationship can have a have a powerful impact on the way in which we view ourselves and the world. The context of the events leading up to such circumstances will further inform how we treat the event. An unforeseen death may leave one feeling that they live in an arbitrary, meaningless world; a close friend moving away due to new life choices or opportunities may make one feel slighted or that there is now something missing in a milieu once seen as abundant, while a break-up can lead one to feel rejection or resentment.

The quote by Gabriel García Márquez that opens this blog is not meant to indicate that we should not feel these losses by suppressing our emotions. Doing so would only hold and perpetuate anger, despair, doubt, resentment, jealousy or feelings of loss within and so keep us from being present. However much we feel this, we must also not fixate upon such feelings.

It is a product of delusional thinking that any relationship between people is permanent. Each individual has their own needs and desires that can and oftentimes do come into conflict with others. No matter the lofty expressions of commitment or the amount of time spent together building a relationship, such relationships, just like our mortal life spans, will always come to an end on a long enough timeline.

At these moments of separation we are presented with two choices. We can continue to hold on to those feelings based on fear that evoke such internal commands such as “Never trust anyone again”, “Don’t get close to anyone”, or “The actions in my life have no meaning” or we can see the experience as one from which we can instead grow through forgiveness of ourselves and others.

For instance, an unexpected death can inspire us to apply more energy and vitality to the areas of our life with which we feel passion, for we too are mortal and can leave this coil without a moment’s notice. The moving away of a confidant or comrade can be recognized as prods to meet someone or several new people that can perhaps expand your personality in new ways that may bring you even greater joy and happiness. Separation with a romantic companion can be a point at which to examine aspects of the self that had informed such a decision so that future romances need not repeat similar travails.

We all have incredible personal strength and power that at times we seem afraid to exercise. Once we recognize these truths of the human condition, we no longer need to hold onto those lower emotional sentiments that inform our personality to our detriment. While it may be hard to recall at the moment, we must always view these instances as opportunities from which to learn and grow. To not do so we condemn ourselves to unlearn our truly resilient nature free that is free of only the fetters that we would place upon ourselves.

Notes on Motivational Interviewing CEU

On the invitation of the owner of Peace of Mind Counseling, a fellow student at FICAM, I went to the impeccably planned, informative, well attended and deliciously catered CEU session held at Casa Tequila Mexican Cuisine on June 20th. While there I networked with other mental health professionals and listened to Mary T. Curtis speak about Motivational Interviewing. While the communication principles found in her presentation was primarily for those in the field of mental health counselors, they are also applicable to a number of other formalized relationships. Translated to the discourse of effective management, for instance, it’s a form of interaction and communication effective in instilling a convivial relationship that encourages long-term partnership.
Mary first had us explore some of the intrinsic and extrinsic motivations for personal changes that we’d made in the past. By exploring the risks we perceived we were making by committing to change, examining the struggles that we had with it, and identifying the various resource used in order to get there she pointed out how it was the job of counselors to be know these tracks and patterns as they relate to change and be able to assist clients. Mary then outlined out the cycle of self-transformative change. The cycle – precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action and maintenance – was not made from air but emerged from the research of Dr.’s Prochaska and DiClemente.
Based upon the research contained therein, Curtis presented five distinct communication principles to follow in order to master the art of motivational interviewing.

1. Express sympathy.
2. Support self-sufficiency.
3. Create discrepancy in expressed intentions and actions.
4. Avoid arguments.
5. Roll with resistance.

Each of the five principles could easily make up a long essay. Summarized into a few sentences, however, they could be expanded as follows. First, have all of your attention and capabilities be devoted to the person across from you in such a manner that it’s clear your intent to assist them. Relate to their struggle to get better, but do not feel bad for them over the poor decisions they’ve made. Create and maintain rapport or the rest isn’t possible. Secondly, encourage efforts through praise when appropriate and make sure to provide directions in the form of leading questions as much as possible. This oblique form of direction will assist the transformation of their thought processes. Thirdly, through the aforementioned questioning process, don’t just inquire on actions but underlying motivations. Doing so will lead to the most significant changes. Fourth, one of the reasons which arguments occur is from the breaking of affinity. If and when this occurs use linguistic Aikido so that their resistance transforms into transference. The fifth principle refers to the fact that until the new habits are incorporated into the daily life there will exist a split of sorts in the interviewee’s personality and the better angels of their nature should be appealed to. Using their own spoken phrases as much as possible to restate the goals they’ve already voiced and their own assessments is the optimal way to interview them.

As is clear from the above, motivational interviewing is not merely an other-directed practice but one that requires a great deal of self-confidence to be able to accomplish the above practices without coming off as wooden or scripted. Embodying qualities of empathy, compassion, collaboration, commitment, willingness and acceptance are also key MI components. One must do this as expressing too much upset or disappointment over a violation of a stated goal breaks rapport. Instead help them self-search as to the causes to their failure and imagine how they could go act next time if placed in a similar situation. One’s role in the motivational interviewing process is supposed to engender feelings of Autonomy, Collaboration and Evocation. Encouraging ACE to develop in them means that they will learn to better self-discipline.

It is our ability to propel and direct ourselves into the future that determines where we go in life. Since counselors and managers are navigating the future together on a bark of sorts with their clients or employees, those leading must use OARS as one of their strategies for direction. OARS is an guiding strategy for meetings between clients or employees that encourages the growth of skills rather mere directive comments which engenders agency dependency. OARS consists of Open-ended Questions, Affirmations, Reflections and Summaries. These are the linguistic forms used to encourage ACE. Some examples of these are as follows:

Open Ended Questions

“What do you think are the main goals that we need to accomplish today?”
“What are your motivations for the cessation of your habit of __________?”
“What is preventing you for accomplishing your goals right now?”
“How would you rate your level of withitness today? Is there something that you can do to quickly raise your state of presence?”

Affirmations

“You should be proud of the fact that just last week it took you ___ amount of time and that now you can do it in less.”

“It looks to me by the way you are holding yourself in that you’re in a good mood. Did the _____ thing I suggested to do when face with _____ help?”

“Based upon the story you shared with me I can really see your commitment to _____.”

“You are doing excellent work.”

“You ability to take directions has markedly increased!”

Reflections

“Do you realize that your continuing to do _______ is in opposition to your statement that you want to stop?

“Do you realize that your continuing to do _______ is in opposition to the previous directions I gave you?

“Were you really doing your best on this project, or were you distracted by something?”

“When you saw that your abilities were not sufficient to complete the task, why didn’t you ask _______ or myself for assistance?”

Summaries

“It seems to me from what you’re saying is that the reason you began doing _________, which you no longer want to do, is because of __________. If you were to stick with instead of shirking the protocols that I gave you, your repetition compulsion would no longer be a problem. What needs to happen to get you to do such?”

“In what you shared with me you presented a very good manner for dealing with ________ that we’ve never discussed before. I think that you’re able to approach those triggers with novel solutions really indicates how committed you are to making that change.”

“Now everyone, before we close this gathering let’s just run down the tasks. A is doing this, B is doing this, C is doing this, and I am doing this. Any questions, you know where I’ll be!”

“Today we covered a lot of ground and I’m certain that once you leave our shared space you will maintain the strength you’ve shown here.”

These, which when combined can be said to be the concretization of Desire, Ability, Reason, and Need for change will lead to that change when a plan is set in place. To learn more, you can also download the accompanying Powerpoint here.

What's in a Name?: Diagnosis, Attachment, Identification and the Limits of Personal Adaptation

Diagnosis is the name of the method with which applied humanist sciences use to locate the cause of illness and dis-ease. Not all formulae of diagnosis and nosology, however, are the same as each is based upon a number of individual, biological, social, etc. presuppositions. Positivistic practitioners such as psychiatrists would me more likely to use the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders while more dialectically oriented psychotherapist practitioners would likely use the Psychodynamic Diagnostic Manual. While sometimes the goals these two forms of therapeutic intervention have can be very similar, ie. the removal of behaviors that somehow inhibit the maximum functioning of the individual, the means with which they achieve such results can be quite different. The former focuses on the disbursement of prescription medications that is in humankind’s long history relatively new, while the latter seeks to process traumas and develop psychic resources to assist them live more powerfully in the present. The recognition of this divide is not new, but was recognized in a slightly different context long ago by German proto-psychologist Freidrich Nietzsche. He emphatically stated that the notion of Being propounded by the positivists was a fiction and that the true foundation of modern humanistic knowledge rested upon a philosophy of Becoming.

If thus far the point I’m making seems rather abstract, let me give some examples. In The Mindbody Prescription: Healing the Body, Healing the Pain by Dr. John Sarno the author, a renowned health-care practitioner and professor of medicine at NYU describes how many of the purported problems with back pain that people have emerge not from genetic abnormalities or physical traumas but are psychological in origin. Layman believe the doctors as they are invested with expert authority on the physical functioning of the body, even though they may be fully away of the mindbody connection. As Dr. Sarno has studied both subjects and practiced with thousands of patients, he is able to state without reservation that stress, psychic tension and emotional turmoil harden into the body via ischemia and Tension Mytosis Syndrome (TMS) and lead to the variety of illnesses various called slipped disks, joint pains, generalized back pain and other problems. The cure, according to Dr. Sarno, is first to repudiate the structural diagnosis provided by the doctors and then to begin a process of self-interrogation in order to find the emotional cause and means of moving the stuck mindbody energy. Such a therapeutic course is helpful to the body’s attempts at signaling the mind that something is wrong and need not be limited to physical considerations. Indeed, intra- and inter-personal problems as well can benefit from a similar process of diagnosis, de-attachment from prevalent (usually positivistic) prognostications and re-identification.

Let me give an example of this particular type of manifestation of the philosophy of Being based upon my personal experiences. A popular explanation within the Miami metropolitan region for certain types of behavior is “I’m Latin” or “I’m Ecuadorian, Venezuelan, Colombian, Cuban, etc.” Here we again see this essentialized notion of Being, in this case national or racial culture, being conceptualized as able to subvert and in fact control the free will of the individual. What such an explanatory feature to personal qualities does is essentially obfuscate the historical realities that conditioned the passing down of certain cultural mores, values, and beliefs and instead embeds it as an un-moving fixture within the personality. It is an exercise in circular reasoning: I am this way because I was born into this way of being. The fact that someone may not have been born in that country, that someone may have left a certain foreign milieu at a young age, that someone may upon sustained reflection actually have different values based upon their own experiences than that of the caretakers transmitting them, etc. are all suppressed. This suppression is then hidden from the conscious mind and when addressed by others can lead to conflict due to the conscious mind’s simultaneous need to protect it’s choices as well as it’s repressed recognition that all such justifications are fiction.

Finally, it is important to recognize that this method of self-diagnosis is not limited specifically to designations of national origin but also to general, personally descriptive terms such as victim, perpetrator or sinner as well as situation wherein instances of a certain type of behavior get generalized, ie a person is a depressive, an addict, an abuser, etc. The attributions of some of these terms can be empowering, but it always depends upon the context so it is important to recognize whether or not they actually functioning for that purpose. At most, a temporary attachment to them based upon the present circumstances is advisable for, as the above shows, the claiming of essential quality of Being has the effect of preventing adaptation to the exigencies of new situations which can cause inter- and intra-personal conflict. By facing the fiction of our Selves, embracing the past as something which we have more control than we would normally like to give it, re-forming ourselves based upon a deeper and more profound understanding of the human will and finally adjusting and adapting ourselves to our actual heart-felt wishes we are able to gain greater control over our lives.

Writing Therapy Exercise for Small Group

Trigger-Response Reflective Writing Prompt for Group

Materials:

Print-out with Shakespearian and Petrarchan sonnets
Paper
Pens

Timing:

5 minutes: Introducing myself and then meeting the group.
10 minutes: Explaining sonnet form, reading examples.
5 minutes: Discussing anxiety triggers for negative coping mechanisms and behaviors (maybe longer depending on how far along the group is in their understanding of these issues).
20ish minutes: Time allotted for group to write, I circulate and assist as required.
20 minutes: Group share of works produced and discussion.

Non-rhyme form of the sonnet:

First quatrain: Description of the anxiety trigger.
Second Quatrain: The previous response to it/why it’s specious.
Third Quatrain: The good response/why it’s beneficial.
Final Couplet: An empowering slogan.

Review of "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

Dr. Sue Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love is a couples focused, practically-oriented example of emotionally focused therapy. The “emotional focus” stems from the fact that unlike other forms of couples therapy it does not view the romantic relationship as a form of rational calculus designed in order to achieve the greatest amount of happiness but the formation of dependency upon a partner to fulfill emotional needs. By working towards strengthening the bonds between partners that identify and transform the foundational moments that contribute to a loving adult relationship the couple is able to become more open and responsive to their each other’s needs. This focus is summarized by Dr. Johnson early on when she states that we need to “forget about learning how to argue better, analyzing your early childhood, making grand emotional gestures or experimenting with new sexual positions. Instead recognize and admit that you are emotionally attached to and dependent upon your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing and protection” (7).

One of the hallmarks of EFT, indeed all therapeutic interactions, is a willingness to commit to alteration of behavioral and conceptual habits. If one partner expresses an unwillingness to commit to them, or expresses such a desire but does not follow through, than EFT as well as any other form of connecting practices are impossible. Operating upon such a presumption, Johnson then outlines her theory of love, which is an inter-personal theory of romantic attachment. The cases studies which she uses to build up her definition of attachment is varied, but rather than this being a failure to operationalize her terminology I see this broad, positivistic term more reflective of the variety of human experiences. Attachment, like love, changes over time – a fact reflected by the increasing gray divorce rate – and also is understood differently by people based upon their upbringing and value system. That potential criticism dealt with, love is largely viewed within the framework of the classic romantic sense. Its attributes and operation are linked to physical attraction and basic human needs for security, safety, connection. With these we feel generally empowered, more confident, positive and peaceful. Lacking this sense of attachment not only damages our love life, but can have a huge impact on our health. Citing psychological research literature, she points out that hostile criticism from and conflict with loved ones increases our subjective self-doubts, creates a sense of helplessness, mars one’s self-image and leads to a tenfold likeliness for depression. When a relationship is good, however, loving contact and interaction with a partner acts as buffer against shock, pain and stress due to the hormones and chemicals released by this interaction.

Dr. Johnson follows this explanation of biochemical regulation related to attachment by illustrating how it is that couple can fall into a spiral of insecurity. When one partner becomes emotionally unavailable, unresponsive or even sadistic we feel that that once robust connection is at risk and this pushed the other partner into a primal panic. Whatever possibility at effective emerging from this dynamic is destroyed as a spiral of insecurity develops due to the lack of safety. Power struggles begin and making demands rather than requests is just one example of how once loving expressions become tainted, decreasingly responsive and alienating for both.

The seven conversations that follow all build upon the above theoretical framework and scaffolds on each other in a way that leads to a process of reconnection so as to create greater intimacy, security and compassion between the couple. By focusing on the emotions that are evoked in situation rather than the situation itself the negative habits of blame and the flight-or-fight response are circumvented and it becomes easier for new patterns of loving, connected action to emerge. While the book is directed to couples on the metaphorical rocks, the questions and experiential practices presented are good for any couple seeking to gain a better understanding of their partner and obtain a deeper their connection to them.

Kusang & Satsang the Body Electric: A Brief Investigation of Social Impact on Individual Happiness

After another wonderful weekend intensive class reviewing FICAM material on emotional intelligence and practicing therapeutic protocols I left feeling elated, electrified and exhausted at the same time. Seeing others make powerful shifts in their perception as a result of the work, feeling it myself and reviewing it all on a cognitive level I’d say it’s impossible not to be so touched! As I shared some of my experiences with friends and acquaintances, I heard the same response repeatedly: “I would love to be involved with something like that!”

As I thought more about these comments, being the hypermensiac that I am, a number of associations came to mind. For one, their stated desires reflected something that recent psychological research also attests to. People are able to achieve a happier, more fulfilling life by making less small talk about mundane things. Those that instead have substantive conversations about the issues of the day, deeply analyze their own or other’s motivations, problems and values all allow people to really examine our place in the world and give it meaning. This creation of significance on an individual and social basis not only gives meaning to our lives and world in some abstract manner, but provides a tangible manner in which individuals can engage to better themselves.

As the initial situation that obtained such responses from people expressing desire related specifically to my experience in an intentional community of people seeking similar abilities and knowledge this additionally made me think of the concepts of kusang and satsang found in Eastern philosophy that I was first introduced to while studying with Swami Shyam at the International Meditation Institute in Kullu, India. I highly recommend this article’s exegesis on the concepts from a Sikh perspective as it delineates the various manners by which doing so brings about personal and social unhappiness and goes into more depth than I will here. In brief, kusang (false association) is the categorization of attributes that indicate a fixation upon and devotion to small talk and the social values implicit within it. It’s opposite, satang (truth-filled company), was of course what my weekend at FICAM was all about.

The general tendency of American settlement patterns to develop Bourgeois Utopias that inculcates social isolation and class-based segregation has also assisted in it’s turn away from once vibrant religious communities. This has had numerous effects on the so called “Habits of the Heart” and not for the better. Whatever one’s position on organized religion, it has generally fulfilled the inherent need for individuals to unite into a group for identification with others based upon the discussions and dissemination of literary material that addresses to some degree the everyday experiences which cause people anxiety, desire, fear and hope.

How then to develop this if you can’t be involved like I am in FICAM? Simple! Extend and enact your will to achieve greater happiness and feeling of being present in the world through action. Make an effort to speak with others about the issues that concern you, form conversational groups or book clubs that will allow you to tap into this source of personal fulfillment. Secondly, try to avoid conversations or cultural products that don’t evoke spiritually or intellectually ennobling features. After all, you can’t touch garlic without getting its stink upon you for a period of time afterwards and by focusing on the ennobling you take it into you almost as if by osmosis.